News By Tom Brownsword

I just did another spam slap. And I thoroughly enjoyed this one because the friggin’ spammer threatened me.

At the bottom of his email, he wrote this:

You are receiving this message because* you have either joined my list from a link on my website or you have sent an email to my autoresponder.

The only way to be placed in this autoresponder is if you or someone using your computer triggered this autoresponder.

If you don�t want to recieve any more emails from me please unsubscribe below and don�t send any more emails to the autoresponder.

Any person who make a false report of alleged spam IS GUILTY OF BOTH FRAUD AND A CIVIL CRIME.

This is an ADV.

Threaten me, will you? DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT YOUR SPAM BOARD BUDDIES KNOW THE LAW BETTER THAN A FRIGGIN’ CERTIFIED COMPUTER SECURITY PROFESSIONAL?

Spam complaints have already been sent off to shmyl.com, abuse@uce.gov, and the individual’s hosting company. Google already labeled it as spam, so I won’t mess with them.

Let’s take this a step further:

You are receiving this message because* you have either joined my list from a link on my website or you have sent an email to my autoresponder.

What link on what website? You allegedly sent this from a Gmail account (which isn’t true; your IP resolved to ThePlanet.com) and the only website link was for shmyl.com — which, if my memory serves me correctly, belongs to Simon Grabowski (who doesn’t spam).

The only way to be placed in this autoresponder is if you or someone using your computer triggered this autoresponder.

Let’s see, they could have used my Gmail password from ANOTHER computer to subscribe, they could have simply used my email address from ANYWHERE and you were too damn lazy to use a double opt-in… Or you probably bought my email address from some other slime-bag and thought that your lame threat would stop me from reporting you. I’ve faced bunny rabbits that were more of a threat than you.

If you don�t want to recieve any more emails from me please unsubscribe below and don�t send any more emails to the autoresponder.

Hey, nozzle, the next time you copy and paste a section from your “Spam For Fun and Profit” course, at least read what you posted. There was no unsubscribe method “below”. And Gmail doesn’t offer an autoresponder capability — which was the only email address in the entire email (other than mine).

And next time, use the apostrophe, not a question mark, in your contractions. No charge for the proofreading. This time.

Any person who make a false report of alleged spam IS GUILTY OF BOTH FRAUD AND A CIVIL CRIME

OK, can you show me the legal basis for this? Did you start your own country in the bedroom of your home and make up your own laws? Oh, wait… My report wasn’t a false one, so I don’t have to worry about this! Besides, there’s nothing “alleged” about this.

What’s a “civil crime”? It’s been a while since my college days, but I seem to recall from my business law courses that it was “civil actions”, not “civil crimes”. Crimes are crimes and civil actions are civil actions.

And next time, make sure your subject and verb are in agreement. It’s “person who makes” or “people who make”. You’re starting to look bad (ha-ha!)…

This is an ADV.

Well, well, if this is an ADV, then may I introduce you to the CAN-SPAM Act that is the law in the United States? Might help you in the future… You only violated just about every aspect of that law.

Fraud? Civil crime? Yeah, right.

Lessons learned? Don’t send threatening spam to a computer security pro. While I usually ignore spam, I like making examples of arrogant fools.

Here’s hoping you are soon $11,000 poorer (and hopefully smarter, but that remains to be seen).

–Tom

P.S. — I’ll soon be moving posts like this to a new website / blog. I’ll announce it when the time comes.

UPDATE: The email to abuse@uce.gov bounced with a 550 error – relaying denied. Hello, FTC; the relay belongs to Google (209.85.128.190 = fk-out-0910.google.com)! That’s the first time I’ve received that error (and I have sent 2,460 emails from that account — including several to you…)